Ask any Gaijin friend (or enemy) you have, and every one of them will tell you the same thing – they invented the train. Despite this well-known fact, no Gaijin countries do the invention justice quite like the empire of Japan. The trains here are fast, efficient, and best of all, cheap – all reasons why Gaijin like taking the train.
The system is perfect, except for the glaring fact that it is against the law for 2 Gaijin to ride the train by the same door. The Constitution of Japan (written by Gaijin in 1947) clearly stipulates that 1. Gaijin are allowed to ride on the same train as Japanese people, 2. multiple Gaijin are allowed to ride in the same train car, and 3. two or more Gaijin are NOT allowed to ride in the same train car by the same door. Talk about too many cooks in the kitchen.
Look around you – you’ll never see 2 Gaijin riding dirty next to each other. Perhaps you have noted the following phenomenon. You’re waiting for the train in the morning. It’s so early. Where is your coffee? Why can’t you smoke on the platform anymore? Oh look, there’s Gaijin #1 waiting to get on the train. He looks so happy, with his spot next to the escalators, with his earphones cranked to high heaven and his smartphone playing Angry Birds against a bass-heavy backdrop of Taylor Swift. Until Gaijin #2 comes barreling up the escalator like a pale-skinned bat out of Hell.
If you observe the situation carefully, you will notice that Gaijin #1 has cocked his head and flared his nostrils, sending a clear signal to Gaijin #2 to back the fuck down and get in line by a different door. A silent dance of mental dominance ensues, with the weaker-willed Gaijin giving up his claim to the spot by the best door. This Constitutional safeguard was put in place to keep Japan’s transportation system from being overrun by foreigners, who are generally very bad at disembarking anything.